It is very common to find one spouse showing interest in counselling while the other person does not seem to bother. Usually, this refusal may come from the spouse who is proving more difficult in the marriage. This adamant posture which disregards the beauty of counselling during a marital crisis can frustrate the willing partner when you know that it will be necessary for the progress of the marriage.
I understand that this can be discouraging for you but I want to share with you other steps that you can take when you are experiencing this roadblock with your partner.
Start by understanding that marriage is 100-100, not 50-50, we are required to bring our best into our marriages and this should occur even when your spouse is bringing 30 percent. This may be difficult to do because you are naturally compelled to give 0 percent when your spouse is non-responsive. If you give up all of a sudden on your marriage, this gives room for a total breakdown. It will also become more challenging for you when you have no form of support during this season of your life. The absence of support, guidance and knowledge is what makes it more difficult to handle things. Why should you still put in an effort when your spouse is not? This leads me to the next point.
Every marriage has different seasons. We all experience different seasons in our lives, be it summer, winter, fall or spring and they all mean different things. This means that there will be times when your spouse will be adamant while you will be willing and there will be times when the reverse will be the case. This can be due to misunderstandings, beliefs, inter-references and other factors but the seasons shift over the years. There will also be times when you are both on the same page. If you choose to withdraw your efforts when things are down, it may result to a more turbulent marriage. It is important to be selfless and sacrificial with a positive mindset that the challenges are a great time to learn more about yourselves. This does not refer to a marriage where there is abuse and complete neglect. You may need to troubleshoot your marriage to be sure of how it can work. So how does this work then?
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Troubleshoot the marriage from your end. Sit down and try to understand the cause of the issues in your marriage. What are the patterns around your conflict? What are you both struggling to agree on? What habits have your spouse developed that is affecting the home? Journal down these patterns and look into what you can do to lead differently. For instance, if you and your partner have been fighting about domestic chores in the home, instead of insisting on your husband to make effort around the home, try delegating, outsourcing or getting help in the home since some men were not brought up to understand this and forcing a grown-up man to change suddenly can be very hard. While you await his exposure to new knowledge, his adjustment and the changes you want to see, reduce your own stress by seeking alternatives at the moment. This can reduce the conflict and expectations in your home.
Seek a personal counselling session. I know that you would prefer to have a joint session but do you realize the difference it will make if you can learn how to elevate your identity, heal from hurts, and engage your spouse differently because you now know better? I remember a woman who had reached out to me for help. She was very confused about her marital situation and had attempted to leave her home twice. She sought knowledge and this helped her change how she approached certain issues in her marriage. She is now more confident, secure and able to set the right boundaries. Counselling can be for you first to seek your own flaws and deal with them while you encourage your spouse to come on board.
Now, all of these only work in a marriage where there is no physical abuse but just certain conflicts happening. When you also read my book, Untold Secrets That Wreck Marriages which you can find here: www.nikefolagbade.com/untoldsecrets, you will be amazed by the level of insights that you can get that can help your marriage stabilize even when your partner is not ready for counselling yet. It takes two to tango quite alright but you can set the atmosphere of the home in the right way by introducing light into the darkness you are currently experiencing. You can reach me via [email protected] if you are ready to get started.
